i'm focused man.......

yes i am. though it's hard to see here,i've been focused on job hunting, our home, and myself. I've also been focusing on my other hobbies, so i haven't been on Blogger much at all.

when i left you last, i felt like peeing in my big white dress......well, once i got down the aisle and to my groom, that feeling faded. it apparently was just nerves.

I've certainly seen recaps that go thru every moment of the ceremony....but that's not usually where brides-to-be get ideas. so i'm gonna skip that for now. Those who are still wedding planning, i know that Spring is on the way and for many of you, you've got decisions that need to be made.....now, i wasn't specific with my photographer on the details i wanted captured. Primarily bc the morning of i was just soo harried. there were shots i assumed he'd get.....but he didnt. I dont fault him for that, it wasn't on the precious "shot list" he requested. i used that list to navigate the all important formal family shots that bore most people to tears, so i wont post that here. that list was also dictated by me and written by my cousin while in the car on our way down to the city where i got married. About an hour and a half away. A mere day before....

So on to the "good part"...the part most brides to be are checking blogs for....and thats the decor and ambiance.....


First, a quick reminder what my space looked like:



this picture would be so much more effective if i had the same picture of my reception. but i dont. thats not something my photog got. perhaps its bc he spent so much time with us back at the chapel taking those formals.....but imagine the place with the lights down really low....lots of candlelight. chandeliers really sparkling. those yellow walls looking warm with all that glow going on....

my photog loved the cake:










Trust me....there are soo many cake pictures. but i believe this shows the cake at enough angles.

although this is a pretty cake and very close to what i requested, it did not come out perfect. i bought those flowers to go on the top of the cake. i bought 2 bunches from walmart for i think $1.50 per bunch. i gave both bunches to the cake baker expecting her to pick the very best buds to put on the TOP of the cake as a cake TOPPER. i dont know whose idea it was to have flower blossoms running down my cake but it wasnt mine. (i suspect my wedding coordinators)i dont care for the look at all. i wanted something that allowed you to focus on the scroll work. sigh.....

I believe i mentioned that after my first cousin's wedding which fell about a month before mine, i had to change up my centerpieces. all together, the effect was really nice. but individually, the centerpieces were not the full lush arrangments we discussed. not in the least. my florist was a one man band, so i assume time was the biggest factor here since she couldnt get in to decorate either venue until early that morning. which left her little time, i guess.....

here are the centerpieces that were sprinkled throughout the room. Half were "tall":







the other half of the tables had candle centerpieces. These consisted of 5 pillar candles that came bundled in a pack from IKEA. I think they were $7.99 or very close to that a piece. under the candles were plastic charger plates that i got from Hobby Lobby. They were .99 cents a piece. The rose petals were thrown in by my florist (per my request). This is one of the projects that i charged my wedding cordinators with. originally my hostesses were set them up, but since i was paying the coordinators, why not?



And a couple other pictures of decor that was around the space:










These others were some shots from the ceremony site. The first is from one of my bms. I didnt get a pro pic of the complete set up (florist was also responsible for this. it seems she was running down to the last minute to get it together.) But here is a good shot of what it looked like minus the people:




the sand ceremony set up:



the sand ceremony ended up in an awkward place diagonally behind where we took our vows. Bc of that there are no clear shots of us actually pouring the sand. the colors were regular sand color for the mothers and Burgundy and Aqua for dh and me.those were far from our wedding colors, but the week before our wedding as we scuttle from store to store this was the best of what was available. i believe the total amount we spent on these materials, glassware included, was $10. the sand filled up 3/4 of the center vase (which had a fitted lid), so on our beach honeymoon, I collected the corse sand that hurts your feet (you know, the stuff thats not really sand but really rocks and shells) and used that to fill the remainder of the vase. it turned out beautiful. even though the vase got bumped around when it was moved causing the beautiful pattern to be mixed up. (honestly, that pissed me off, that no one thought enough to keep it stable or hold it on their way home, but i got over it. it wasnt somethign i had told anyone to do so i couldnt stay mad.)

these are photos of the bridal party's flowers as they were being given out:





and this last pic is right outside the chapel:



it was a beautiful Fall day.

I must mention here that my florist was a very key part of my day. she acted as the decorator for both the chapel and the reception. She brought along a friend to help her out and she apparently did it all between 6 or 7 am to 11am. i have no doubt that she worked like a dog on my behalf. her labor, flowers, vases, crystals, columns and any other material cost $650. Although everything wasnt as discussed, some things were flat out surprises, and she clearly didnt have as much time as she'd liked, i'm quite satisfied with the overall result. i think i got great value for using her as a vendor. She definitely gave me the look for less......

I must also mention here that she was not a full time florist. She was a kindergarten teacher by day. This was one of my biggest money savers. i primarily employed people who offered their services as their 2nd job. Much savings can be reaped in this area but its only for the bride who is not rigidly bent on having things her way. if you've got ideas and are a little flexible, i highly recommend this route. But always ask and CHECK references!

Blessings!

Recap: Pre-ceremony...

i've been inspired by the lovely Cate Subrosa and have put together another recap.

It's interesting how your actually wedding day is completely unique to you and goes delicously not as planned. I'm not sure if the following incident was anyone's fault per say. i now realize that I never vocalized my expectations or wishes....I didnt bc i thought it was pretty standard procedure and bc...well, i thought he knew what he was "supposed" to do.

by "he" i meant my dad.

i was slightly rushed leaving the salon. the whole process took longer than expected, so i ended up leaving a little after 8am...i think....anyway. i was planning to be back at the hotel by 8am so i left in such a hurry that i completely forgot to pay! thankfully i left my mother and a few bms at the salon and my mother covered me. lol...i didnt even realize this until we were on our honeymoon....suddenly while in the car....i think i was scratching my head and rearranging hair pins....it dawned on me that i hadn't even paid for the hairstyle that was annoying me.

anyway....once i got back to the hotel, i ripped off my clothes and proceeded to get into my undergarments. or did i start my makeup first? ....no....i stripped. then put on my base. then put on some undergarments. and somehow suddenly my mom and everyone else was back from the salon too. so i locked myself in the bathroom, bc i was nervous and i had to put on my makeup for one of the most important days of my life. i dont like to be nervous and rushing. but thats exactly how i put on my makeup.

i remember mumbling to myself "less is more, less if more" and "stay cool. you know what you're doing"....stuff like that.

at some point while putting on my makeup and generally getting ready, i yelled out "when's my dad getting here?"

i remember my mom coming into the bathroom with me (i'd unlocked the door. i was feeling bad for locking her out. she told me that my dad wasnt coming.

huh? what do you mean he's not coming? he's supposed to be here for pictures! whose going to ride in the rental with me?

my mom looked over at my first cousin (who was also a bm) and she grabbed her cell and said she'd see what she could do. my mother began talking to me in low tones....that reserved voice that people use when they are talking to someone crazy or irrational. she began explaining that my dad had to get everyone from the hotel to the chapel. he was the only who knew the way so he had to guide them all there.

i was dumbstruck. but that's not how its done....no one else can show them how to get to the church? he's supposed to be here with me....he's supposed to see me first and the photographer is supposed to be catching the moment.....

i dont know what, if anything, my mother said in response.

then i got upset. he's a minister! he knows how this goes! the father of the bride is supposed to be with the bride!

was i having a meltdown? i dont know. i dont think i was being unreasonable. lol. it didnt seem like it at the time. i mean, my dad has married countless people. wasnt' he aware of the general process? didnt he know he was supposed to come and be awe struck by my beauty, have something meaningful to say to me and i was supposed to try not to cry and mess up my makeup?

apparently, no. my father did not know that. or didnt realize that was what i expected.

somehow, he managed to come to the hotel for....about 10 minutes. i was still being tied into my dress.


note that i am visibly upset. i think the overall pressure of the moment was getting to me.

another view from a bm's camera.



I look like i'm about to lay an egg. at the time i didnt realize i was stressing, but its clearly all over my face. to be fair, i think i'm concerned with the amount of time they are taking to get the dress laced up. I didnt feel as if it were tight enough and holding me all in. plus my bra kept showing.

as for me and my dad? there were people around, nothing was private about the moment. he simply smiled and said he was here. hmmm......not quite what i had in mind, but considering there were no do overs, i took it. he had nothing to say...just hugged me. then whisked away to get the others and get them to the church.



i both like and dislike this picture. for one, i had that stupid clip holding my bangs back from when i was doing my makeup. unfortunately, i forgot to take it off....so all of my "getting ready" pictures have this silly clip in them. secondly, my air kiss looks...wierd. seems like the photog caught me in mid sentence or before i fully formed the kiss....i dont know. i like it bc its very typically of me to air kiss so as not to transfer lipstick. thats what i do. i airkiss everybody. lol....

Advice: be clear about ALL your expectations. no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

anywayz......

i ended up in the car with my mom and first cousin. my uncle drove me there in a rented Lincoln of some sort. it was nice and cushy. i dont have a picture of the car. no one was present when i got out of it.....makes me wonder if i needed it at all....my mother was adamant that i get it. thankfully, my first cousin's cousin works with Enterprise, so she arranged a family discount. it was something like 40% off i think. good deal.

oh wait....i found a picture with some of the car in it. My dad is helping me out of the car so that we can wait around standing for a while....i'll get to that part in a moment.



don't you love the look on my face? i look like i'm passing gas. :/

here i am in the car on the way to the chapel, photo courtesy of my mom:



then i was left alone...my uncle got out the car to check out what was going on inside. my mother did the same. my cousin had to run up front to be with the other bms and whatnot.

i sat in the car by myself. birds chirping, light streaming in. it was a beautiful day. the weather was great. i think it was in the mid seventies that day. i sat there by myself...looking at my hands. i wasnt nervous. i was just waiting.

i waited by myself for a while....

then the photog came out...and caught some pictures. i'm thankful, bc i was getting lonely, lol. it was also important to get a few more pictures of me since we never got to do the bridal shoot at the hotel. we were too short on time.

here's a few of them:





the bouquet:



i never really discussed the handle of my bouquet with my florist. I didnt think it mattered much since no one would really get to see handle since my hand would be covering it. i was right, but the photog took pics of it.....so i'm glad she took creative liberty. I had my mother hang my bouquet upside down in the attic to dry it out. I plan to put it in a clear vase and display it on our book shelf. eventually our children will see it, so its nice that the handle is pretty after all.



and bc the bouquet is a detail that most brides-to-be are pretty darn interested in, here's one more:



in this closeup you can see another detail that was unexpected. i was adamant that fiddle head ferns be included in my bouquet. i wasn't very specific with the other flowers or how they came out but the ferns were non negotiable, as were the hypericum berries. here you see the berries....and you can also see that something looks kinda wierd with those fiddle heads....

thats bc they weren't real fiddle heads. i dont know what happened...did her shipment not come in? were they left behind? whatever happened it seems the florist fashioned her own fiddle head fakes with black floral tape and wire.

i didnt say anything....what could be said moments before the ceremony was to start? i didnt really like them but i give a B+ for thinking fast on her feet and presenting me with a bouquet that appeared to be what i asked for. these are the only close ups of the bouquet and the only way you can see that they weren't genuine ferns.

my dad eventually joined me while i waited. i was starting to get antsy and wanted to get out of the car. (which is what the above photo illustrates). the car was parked under some trees in the campus parking lot behind the chapel. due to the pleasant breeze, leaves, acorns, and other botanical acessories showered me. Here are some cute shots of my father picking them off.



He was soo meticulous. I was tickled.....



here's another bridal shot:



we were out here twiddling our thumbs for a while longer. i knew by now it was well past 11am. why weren't we being summoned? what was going on in there?

here's my dad texting one of the planners to find out exactly when we were going to get this show on the road:



finally one of my planners came out and i asked her when we'd be starting. she let me know that they had planned to start late (???) and that they were waiting on a few guests who apparently were lost and trying to get there. also, the guests who had arrived were going to the bathroom. (the chapel had only one small bathroom) i asked if the majority of people were there and she gave me an ambiguous answer that i dont remember. she assured me everything was ok and that they'd be starting soon.

i was acutely aware that something was being kept from me. i didnt know what. i decided to stop asking questions and let things be handled for me.

around that time my videographer came out and asked my dad and i for an "interview". i was totally unprepared. i would be asked for many interviews throughout the day and not a single time was i prepared for one or had anything that seemed meaningful to say. :/

Finally, my older brother came out to get us....it was time!

I told my dad "I think I have to pee".

it's the new year!

happy new year to the girl under the rock who just came out and saw the calendar and realized, "Crap! i missed Dick Clark drop the new big shiny ball on Ryan's Seacrest's head!"

its a new year. its that time of year where so many of us pledge to be better. to spend less money. to budget. to stop smoking. to lose weight. to look better. to be skinnier. to fail as soon as the newness wears off which takes most people roughly about 2-3 weeks.

i'm not quite making any major renovation promises to myself. LR and i finally sat down and put together a budget for January...after haphazardly spending a few hundred dollars and realized, "holy moly, we might not eat this month if we dont stop spending mindlessly on things that seem important but could probably wait until February."

i've settled into a role...not a role i ever expected to have but its a role nonetheless and i'm sticking to it dangit. my role appears to be that of a housewife. i try not to cringe as i type that.....bc i dont have kids. and for some reason being a stay at home mom just seems to be so much more noble than a stay at home wife. i dont have any babies to nurse. no toddler around my feet. i dont spend my days in stretch pants wiping snotty noses and changing diapers, but i declare i'd just feel more noble if i were.

but i'm coming to terms with it. its a unique situation. getting married and relocating during a recession. moving to an area where the news talks about the daily lost of job, daily. i've got my faith and i'm holding on to that. i repeat that to myself when i feel discouraged. for a while i felt so discouraged that i wasnt even applying for jobs. bc a part of me wondered what was the point. but i've got to give God something to work with. i can't get a job without applying to any. certainly not in a city where no one knows i exist. so thats whats up with that.

i've also battled feeling like a bum in other areas of life....theres the blogs....man, i just haven't been online regurgitating the mess on my mind. i set up another site for our weddign pictures. i haven't even gotten to the pictures of me walking down the aisle yet, but i'm burned out already. i haven't finished thank you notes. there was a small push in December, where i wrote, perhaps about 25-30....but i haven't since...and i didnt get all of them in the mail until after christmas...dang i really should just write 5 a day and drop them in the mail.

i feel soo bad that my dog isnt around. that seems silly to the non dog owner...but its real man....i tell ya...its real.

i'm getting to the point where i think i need to be doing something with myself. if i dont have a job, i should be out volunteering....or planting trees, or somehow saving the world. i've tidied the house, washed clothes, and i do a lot of cooking most days...i mange to get in the shower and and get dressed, put on makeup....and surprisingly that fills up my day til my husband gets home. but i certainly couldnt do that everyday for much longer....before my head implodes.....

some days i dont mind it....but today i do. then maybe tomorrow i won't and i won't think about it for another few days....or maybe i do. bc in some way perhaps i have pledged to make myself better. to get a job. i've got exactly 2 more months of savings left for my very own personal expenses. then after that there needs to be some additional income to keep this boat afloat and keep from trashing my (more than likely already limping) credit score.

this has just been a hodge podge of randomness, hasn't it?

anywayz....happy new year to that one chick under the rock. happy new year to everyone else too!

Blessings!

Inspiring Reality.....

The vision....

before i go on with these recaps, it seems fitting to mention how the plan inspired or differed from reality.

wedding planning evolves over time. ideas change...you're inspired by someone or something. you succumb to the latest and coolest wedding trend. you give up on projects. take the easy way out. run out of supplies and have to make do with what you have......

Early in my wedding planning, i thought the inspiration/themed/mood boards were sooo cool. i had no idea how to make them until someone on Weddingbee mentioned MosaicMaker. i was so grateful.

Below was my inspiration board for my wedding. I called it Autumnal Romance:




honestly, in the beginning, i was trying very hard to replicate that board, square by square. i wanted that exact bouquet, that same cake. i wanted my reception to have that warm glow. not the lanterns from the ceiling....i wasn't really into them.

then reality hit me....i remembered my paltry budget and began to actually be inspired by my board.

how did i do?

my actual board below. click to enlarge:



i call it "my wedding board".

and you know what?

i like it better. because it was mine.

*wink*

we ended up with a number of centerpieces....not exactly what i discussed with my florist....but as we were announced into the reception, there wasnt anything i could do about it but smile and head for the dance floor.

(click to enlarge)



a lot of things didn't go the way I planned...and some things i failed to plan at all.....

but from the look on my face above....it's easy to see that in the end, it didnt matter.

for those still planning....it shouldn't matter. just smile and enjoy yourself. while you're at your sweetheart table you can point out all the things wrong to your husband, agree with him that it looks nice anyway, shrug your shoulders and you eat your salad.

and when the waiter brings out your entree, and its sides aren't right at all...you can laugh it off....bc you just got married. and you're happy.

Recap: Morning of...

Getting dressed.

I didnt have the photographer show up until i was back from the salon. i had 2 of my bms take tons of pics to record the event before the photographer got there....i got up at 4am and I really dont know if i'll ever post those pictures in a public forum, lol.

all of us dont wake up cute....even on our wedding day.

when i woke up that morning....the very first thing i thought...right after "i'm getting married today" was "wow, my fingers hurt". each dainty digit was sore beyond words.....i had to get artificial nails at the last minute.

the majority of my nails broke off in my car accident 18 days prior. i probably could have grown in some decent sport length nails but after that, i just stopped being careful...stopped being viligant with the cuticle cream...just stopped caring. i went to a nail salon and got a girl that i hadnt had before.....and she successful glued the tips to the meat of 8 out of 10 of my fingers.

good girl.

thankfully, my mom had some acetone free polish remover that freed the most painful bits.

then i was off to the salon for my 5:30 appt.


my cousin and moh were sooo sleepy. they decided that they wouldnt go to sleep (or take a nap...depends how u look at it. i personally got abt 3 hours) and stayed up all nite. thankfully, my cousin still took pictures bw her squinty eyes.

some of her pics via a board (click to enlarge):



Please note the first pic to the left in the center row. despite my giggles in the first row, i feel that that picture best illustrates how i was really feeling. and my stylist had just shaved her head...literally 3 days prior to my wedding day. it was a shock bc i had been there the week prior to get my chemical treatments done and she had a head full of hair! lol...

to avoid a picture heavy post. I'm trying a slide show for the following pro pics. I believe the option exist to view the pictures in a gallery view which will allow you to see them one by one if you want, but if you want a quick rundown of what was going down once i emerged from the bathroom with my makeup and girdle on...see below:

don't worry! the slideshow does not display me in the girdle.

of course, this isnt all of them....i handselected these few. overall you can see that we were in a hotel suite...roughly the size of a small apartment. me and 5 bridesmaids. my dad popped in for a quick moment (story there).

in the end, i left the hotel right on time. i was not late. in fact, i showed up 8 minutes before i originally scheduled to be there. although my wedding planner wanted everyone there at 10am. so it depends on how you look at it....i was 8 minutes ahead of my schedule, but 22 minutes late according to them. since i hired them a mere week before my wedding, i'm cool with that.

(the wedding party was there by 10am though. :) )

i'll post the drama later....lets leave that for another day.

Blessings!

The Move In...Part 2

Night 16 of Marriage....

(before I recap...let me catch you up a bit to where i am....)

The unexpected happens. and its not always smile and giggles...just like stepping in dog crap on a beautiful day in the park. its surprising and disturbing and where on earth would you find a water hose out in the middle of the beautiful park? do u get in the car with your shoe covered in feces bc you wore your extra comfy sandals with all the neat grooves on the sole?

why is it mushy?

sigh...on a tangent. point being the night that we arrived in this new city i was hit with a terrible surprise. the drive up had been so uneventful, that when we got here it was like stepping in dog crap at the park.

It was frigid that nite. It began snowing up here the week of our honeymoon and when we arrived over a week after that, it had began snowing again-just for me. I was cool. optimistic. i was hopeful for the future and all that jazz.....we live in the city a very popular, busy one at that....so we had to drive around looking for somewhere to put the Uhaul. we parked it up a block, a steep block, up from our apartment building.

we weren't in long before we decided to get something to eat and worry about unpacking the Uhaul the next day. we were tired. i was starving. so we ordered pizza and then took the car to go pick it up. my husband didnt need to worry about getting anything out the truck bc he was home. i on the hand had nothing, not even a toothbrush, so we had to go by the Uhaul to get some luggage so i could do the whole night routine brush teeth, wash face, tie up hair, ect. plus it was very cold and i only had on my fleece. i needed my coat, gloves, ect.

with the hot pizza in my lap (it smelled great! we have the number 1 and 2 pizza joints right near our house), dh pulls up to the Uhaul (which is parked on a corner). we get out. ever the supportive wife, i point, nod, and try to describe to dh which suitcases have my toiletries and which one might contain a coat.

while dh is digging around in the frigid belly of the truck, across the street, on the other corner a domestic dispute is unfolding right before my eyes. a car door slams a a couple is yelling at each other. i turn in time to see a woman lifting her baby out the back car door as the guy mumbles accusations. she seems frustrated as she frees her pink fleeced baby. she's shouting something about a cigarette. i couldn't make it out but she seemed to be concerned that he done something with a cigarette around the baby. she marches down the sidewalk (very steep hill). he is yelling at her. being abusive. he tells her that he'll f#^$ her up right then and there. right out here on the sidewalk. he calls her names. such as b!tch and c_cks_ckr (<-- actually dont think i've heard this one in person...only in print.) he yells at her to ask her what she said when he thinks she's mumbled a response. she yells back, infuriated, that she didn't say nothing....and retreats into their apartment building, close to this corner.

by now, i'm sure this guy is drunk...and i'm feeling bad for this woman. i'm wondering if his threats of violence to her were real or just drunken verbal abuse. he shouts random profanities until he focuses in on new targets.

me and my new husband.

dh, is still digging around in the Uhaul. 6 hours of our drive had been in the mountains so the stuff has fallen over and become hard to access. dh is trying to dig out a suitcase when drunk guy zeroes in on us....and sees that we're black.

and here's where my foot lands squarely in dog sh!t.

with my back to him, he begins to yell about not wanting n!ggers in his neighborhood. he goes on and on about how he pays too much frikking money to have his n!ggers move in and ruin his neighborhood. (our apartment building is down the hill. a separate complex from his). he goes on to blame n!ggers for the economy...the reason why the united states is in the economic mess its in. he blames us for everything bad he can come up with...he shouts at us to leave his neighborhood. he begans to rant on the bodily harm he will inflict upon us....

all the while dh is maneuvering luggage.

i take my cue from my husband. he appeared to be ignoring the guy, so i attempted to do the same. i didnt give him the satisfaction of turning my head to acknowledge that i even heard him....all the while the words soaked into the very fiber of my being. i am increasingly alarmed over our safety as dh finally hands me some bags that i quickly cram into the backseat of the car. it seems my husband is moving terribly slow. i tell him to please hurry up. dh seems annoyed that i'm rushing him so i hush....standing my ground on the outside of the vehicle....

drunk dude is becoming increasingly violent....and i hear footsteps behind me. they aren't moving fast...but they are coming...

dh finally shuts the back of the Uhaul and puts on the padlock...he comes around to the car, only to double track and check the on the back of the Uhaul again....by this point i'm nearly paralyzed from fear....i envision my husband and myself being beaten...most accurately i envisioned myself being hit and my husband being hurt in trying to defend me.....

dh finally gets in the car as a guy with a skull cap walks by. he has strange expression on his face but i'm not sure if its the same guys thats been yelling at us. i hold back sobs....i shake as dh rounds the block to get to the back alley of our building......

dh wants to drop me off and find a park. i outright refuse. knowing that maniac is out there....and certain that if dh is alone, something terribly will befall him. (i clearly see his body in a dark pool of blood on the sidewalk) i decide, however unwisely, that i will walk...in the snow...down the hill with my husband. that whatever happens, it will happen with us together.....

we make it into our building without incident. dh is quiet....and i dont say anything. i assume this is the way he deals with this kind of stuff....this type of outright racism.

he dives into the pizza, while i barely pick at a slice, even though moments before i was starving and the main reason we went back into the weather to get the food.

dh asks me how i'm doing....and thats when i look him square in the eye and tell him i'm not doing well....i tell him that i am overwhelmed and that i never expected this to be easy but certainly didnt think we'd have such a housewarming. i tell him that i hadn't been that scared in a long time....

he looks at me, face blank.

i tell him that despite spending the majority of my life in the south, i had never, to my face been called a nigger. i had never, experienced such an outright display of racism straight out the 60's. subtle yes...but nothing like what had just happened. i told him that i'd never been called a "n!gger b!tch".

dh looks dumbfounded, as my face crumples into tears......i sob as i tell him that i thought we were going to be killed.

dh asks me what i was talking about.....

(my turn for blank stare)

it seems that in the back of that Uhaul, my dh couldnt hear what the guy was saying. he heard him yelling, but he thought he was yelling after the woman.

he seemed angry and then said it was best that he didnt hear it.....he said that God knew what He was doing....and had he heard it, things would have went very differently...someone would have gotten hurt.....

my first nite here in my new city was bad. it wasn't good at all....i woke up in the middle of the nite, actually having to review the reasons for our economic downturn (the unrealistic housing bubble. banks lenient credit terms. ect) and reassure myself that the guy was an ignorant drunk. that i was not a n!gger. and black people as a race had nothing to do with the recession that we're in.

in the shower the next morning....i prayed....i prayed for peace of mind...i forgave the drunk dude and prayed for him and the girl he yelled at. i did my best to put it behind me.

a few hours later that day, i was informed that my furbaby, Hershey, was not welcome on the premises. that we would have to find somewhere else for him to go.

my heart fell again. my move here was not easy.

its really not that complex..

not much at all. i wish i could outlay a sophisticated reason for my blogging absence. but frankly....i just haven't. i've had so many words, feelings, ideas and the thought of articulating it just exhausted me.

blogging is therapeutic for some.....its wonderful to hash out your inner workings. get them all out there. for others its a burden. actually typing out those inner workings can be painful, frustrating, perhaps a little annoying.....

for me it seemed like a burden.

it seems like a burden, bc what is expected in the frilly, white/ivory world of wedding blogging is a neat little recap, a play by play of the day in itself. from the moment you arose to the click of the honeymoon door, eager, curious, sometime bored readers want the details. the handful that stuck with you since they beginning...you owe it to them. even if the thought of talking weddings, the planning, the details, the people, gives you hives. breaks you out in sweat. makes you just want to close your laptop bc, dangit, you just "donwanna"!

confession: Weddingbee was holy grail status for me for quite sometime......i discovered it before i became engaged, read the archives, became emotionally attached to the brides, wept at their recap pictures.....then i became seriously busy in my own wedding planning and subsequently life. my favorite bees married and moved on....i wasnt able to connect to the newer bees bc i simply wasnt spending that much time on the site...and due to Weddingbee's popularity...a swarm of new people swamped the site, its comments and its message boards....soon the hive was taking on many of the characteristics of The Knot and other more catty sites that just made me tired.

i kept WB as one of my homepage tabs for loyalty...even though i rarely checked it...only breezing thru to check on Mrs. Avocado whom i'd gotten to know before she became a bee. then stopped that completely when i realized that Mrs Av was posting on her personal blog the same deets.

the week after i returned from my honeymoon, i deleted WB as a hometab. it was my way of saying goodbye to it all.....i havent been to any wedding sites.....not watched any of the shows....dont even have the desire.....

i realize my reaction is not unique but not quite as popular as those who offer the full recap and them mourn the passing of their weddings. me? i just got tired...just needed a break...

i'm going to try to get back into the swing of things....bc i want the record...and bc for those of you who've stuck around or the random blog hopper who may happen upon the blog, i want to tie up the loose ends. i'll definitely be a married blogger....wow, the wealth of material i have already...i just need to get thru this recapping business....much like a pregnant woman must go thru childbirth.

blessings.....